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| this week was not very good. slowly and painfully, I've watched several situations fall in and out of place. move back and forth from one side to the other. and I've been in a constant state of "in between." and now, near the end of the week, I've seen a few situations resolve themselves and others fall apart. and while, on the surface, I feel okay and can still smile...in all honesty, I feel disappointed and upset, with a twinge of lost and hopelessness. I feel like all I did this week was wander around, waiting for someone to tell me what to do, what I could do, what I should do. every time I tried to fix something myself, or offered my piece of mind on a situation...well, in the end it didn't really matter too much. and that's okay, I guess. but it's not okay for one situation in particular. but I don't feel like talking about that just yet. actually, I do.
you can't tell me that you want to see "where this takes us." and that I "make you happy." and that you're "tired of making up excuses of why we're not together." and that we could just "ACTUALLY try it." and give us a real shot. you can't tell me that and then act the way you are now. I will never understand why you've treated me the way you have. why you claim to care about me so much but can't man up and be the person you know I need you to be. no one, and I mean no one, should ever treat the person they care about like this. stop making me feel like you're on the same page as me if you're really just stuck on the introduction while I'm cruising on through. I thought that you had come around this time, but after the past couple days I'm not so sure you have. I'm giving you a few more days to at least talk to me. I've already tried to talk to you. but, if at the end of the weekend, there is still nothing...then I think we both know it's done. and I'll probably regret posting this, but it kills me to not be honest. even if it's just in a blog...
in other news. Sower is done. I don't want to get into all the specifics, but it's been cut due to issues that are out of my control, aren't my fault, and really just have nothing to do with me (or my staff for that matter). and I was not involved in any of the meetings or decisions about Sower because the reasons for it having to end weren't anything that students could solve or decide on. (are you enjoying the vagueness of this paragraph?) needless to say, this is very disappointing. I knew it was coming and I knew, from the very beginning, it was very likely that this might happen. but it doesn't change the fact that it's upsetting. I'm out of a job for awhile. but luckily, the content editor position for Sooner (yearbook) will be open for next semester. so, I still have a home. and this situation gives me a good story to tell at interviews. as sad as I am about this, I'm just glad that now I know. it was really hard to go about my day and not know if I had a job and where, and what I would be doing and what not. I'm hoping this will help me feel a little more focused now that I know what my stance/position is. enough about that.
so now, I'm just waiting on two more things to fall into place. study abroad, which I have to wait for until december. and the situation described above. (the boy one, not the magazine one. obviously.) I'm just ready for a nice break. school has been really frustrating and uninteresting. the job thing has been frustrating. my apartment has been frustrating. and I just want a nice break. and to know. oh, to know.
that's about all for now. tonight is drinks, games, and movies with my Features family. tomorrow I'm not going to the game, so I'm going to sleep in and get ahead on some homework. and then I think roommate and I are hanging out that night. wine night, I believe. it's nice to have things to look forward to.
much love, all the time.
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| and now all your love is wasted.
and then who the hell was I?
and I'm breaking at the britches,
and at the end of all your lines.
who will love you?
who will fight?
who will fall far behind?
and I'm about to go...off.
would you still talk to me if, by the point we talked, I just threw out angry, smartass comments?
would you still love me if I seemed frustrated all the time?
would you be able to stand me if I was pessimistic all the time?
would you still like me if I cried a lot, over silly things?
would you be able to offer comforting comments and calm me down?
would you be able to care about me as much as yourself?
would you?
not to anyone in particular.
and I told you to be patient.
and I told you to be fine.
and I told you to be balanced.
and I told you to be kind.
and in the morning I'll be with you,
but it will be a different kind.
and I'll be holding all the tickets,
and you'll be owning all the fines.
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| I'm a firework: pretty to look at (?) but always exploding.
yup. that's me. I don't know why I felt so frustrated today. but I was about to go off. maybe it goes back to the whole bit about how strange, frustrating, yet great this semester has been. and my mind won't turn off. I have two tests this week and one next week. I need to do really well on all three, which means I have to study hardcore all throughout this week and next. plus, write more of my novel. which is still just frustrating me beyond belief. I mean, I was able to write a couple thousand words over the weekend. but honestly, I just hate the damn thing.
there's a guy in my novel class that likes to remark about my "bitterness." the other day, he had a very funny remark that involved the world "jagged" (which ironically just reminded me of alanis morissette's CD jagged little pill). however, I still stand by my original statement that I am not bitter. he only thinks I'm bitter because a) I feel as if I've been placed into the role of the bitter, blunt, and "independent" girl that likes to make harsh comments about her peers, especially males, and so therefore, I do and b) because that class is starting to drive me crazy and I sit there restless, thinking about all the other things I could be doing, and therefore just make disinterested, bitter-sounding comments. I will say, though, that the more he makes comments the more bitter I'm just going to sound, because I get frustrated that people try to tell me what I am when they have no idea.
had a very fun weekend. high-tailed it to nebraska on friday with michael russell, soli, and sarah blosch. the 7-8 hour car ride pretty much sucks, as kansas and iowa are probably some of the worst/most boring states to drive through, but we managed to pass the time fairly quickly by playing a lot of hilarious car games. sarah and I pretty much own at the "connect these two actors/actresses" game. when we finally reached omaha (hotel was in omaha, the game was in lincoln), we found a place to eat. we also discovered that omaha was the 5th best place to start over. yeah, that's right...you heard me. we had a lot of fun with that, and with the michael jackson song "will you be there" from the free willy movie, and with the funny video of a florida congresswomen speaking to congress about BCS and how the gators don't take no jive! after we found our hotel (where I'm sure a creepy murderer did live), we went to choo choo's bar. ahahahaha. and enjoyed drunk karaoke. even our waitress was drunk, she was taking swigs from a bottle every time she went back to the bar. priceless. saturday we headed to lincoln, and to the nebraska campus. we ate in their student union, runza's! which just sounds like a disease but was pretty good. and then walked around their campus comparing it to ours and taking pictures. I was afraid I'd see guy-from-nebraska but God smiled down on me...so I didn't have to see him. the game was a disaster. oh man. but all in all, it was a great weekend. and we played more games on the drive back. including a dirty rendition of one. ahahahaha.
mer mer mer. so now it's today. I'm about to start on the novel again before I pass out. a few more random thoughts: yes, I frequently listen to sad, slow songs; yes, I like to answer questions in a flat, disinterested tone; yes, I like to make mean, funny comments; and yes, I'm awesome.
and, to quote how I met your mother, falafel.
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| it's hard for me to write anything lengthy that's supposed to use proper grammar and punctuation. I'm so use to chopping up sentences and words. and placing them where I want them to be. not that I'm some genius by any means. it's so much easier for me to convey the scenes in my mind by writing shorter pieces. making up phrases. being vague. creating something I understand. and believe in. and feel inspired by. my novel isn't inspiring me. I'm pretty sure I am getting to the point of hating it. or just not caring. I can't decide if I'm having a hard time because I'm not trying hard enough, because it's something I'm really just not feeling and therefore have a hard time doing it, or if it's just meant to be a failure. it's starting to make me feel like maybe it's not what I'm meant to do, or want to do for that matter. I just added another minor today, european studies, so maybe I'll eventually just start figuring out something with history and european studies. I'm not sure. I feel like so many things in my life are in a back-and-forth limbo, and it's really not sitting very well with me. and I feel like this has been the best yet most frustrating semester ever. and now I'm not really sure what I'm saying anymore. but my hands feel like they are on fire. so I'm going to bed. because I'm exhausted.
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| rain again, it's gray again.
I blame the dreary on your absence.
the lonely on your adolescence.
and this emptiness. all over me.
cover, drowning. letting me in.
colors closing in.
dreaming in black and white again.
reflections through wine.
getting better through time.
patterns of green, blue, pink.
from the pounding rain outside.
everything should be fixed. together.
and we'll adjust as we see fit.
I can't find you when I need you.
forever, broken like this.
phones remain dead.
cut at the cord. in half.
and we experience silence.
I can't retreat nor recover.
plant myself in the middle.
I stay cemented, at best.
around me, you move.
always staying out of reach.
outstretched arms.
an inch close at most. I detest.
never moving, you leave.
there are others lovelier than me.
go ahead, the rain will wash you away.
mask myself in the smearing of gray.
I evaporate. cement to sky.
ignored, abhorred.
by your wandering eye.
tears from my eyes.
rippling in the puddles.
from the tears of the sky.
those patterns again. reflected again.
green, blue, pink. color me in.
rain again, it's gray again.
colors closing in.
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