I think I love you.
I think I'm mad.



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Name: Sarah
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AIM: fruitsmiles749


Member Since: 11/22/2005
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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

the boy who blocked his own shot; brand new.

if it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand.
I hope you find out what you want, I already know what I am.
and if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.

I'll grow old and start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
a crown of gold, a heart that's harder than stone.
and it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.

call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive,
I'm only hoping as time goes you can forget.

if it makes you less sad, I'll move out of this state.
you can keep to yourself, I'll keep out of your way.
and if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down.
every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.

it's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room,
when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.
so call it quits or get a grip.
you say you wanted a solution, you just wanted to be missed.

call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive,
I'm only hoping as time goes you can forget.
so you can forget, you can forget.

you are calm and reposed, let your beauty unfold.
pale white like the skin stretched over your bones.
spring keeps you ever close, you are second hand smoke.
you are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins.
holding on to yourself the best you can.
you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins.

call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive,
I'm only hoping as time goes you can forget.


agreed?


Sunday, November 22, 2009

"If there is something toolish to be done, boys will do it."

sometimes, people suck. and sometimes, those people are guys. and sometimes, you just need to unleash some rage due to the pain and problems that said guy has caused. but for whatever reason, you are not able to unleash that rage on said guy. so, nicole and I settled for yelling back and forth through an all-caps conversation.

excerpts of rage:

nicole: why the fuck is it so hard for them to figure themselves out and be decent fucking people?!
me: I DONT KNOW. I JUST WANT TO BE TALKED TO. AND THOUGHT OF. just be NICE. its not that hard!
nicole: I KNOW. THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL WE FUCKING WANT. TO BE THOUGHT ABOUT AND MAYBE EVEN CARED FOR. HOLY FUCK, WE'RE UNREASONABLE BITCHES. I'M JUST GOING TO START TYPING IN ALL CAPS
me: ME TOO. BECAUSE I WANT TO YELL. A LOT
nicole: I WANT TO YELL AND I WANT TO CRY AND I WANT TO HIT HIM IN THE GODDAMNED NUTSACK.

nicole: WHY CAN'T ONE OF US BE A BOY. WE'D BE A GREAT COUPLE.
me: RIGHT. AT LEAST WE'D BE NICE TO EACH OTHER
nicole: AND TALK TO EACH OTHER. AND GIVE A SHIT IF THE OTHER ONE WAS ALIVE
me: EXACTLY. DEAR ____, CRASH AND BURN MOTHERFUCKER. CRASH AND BURN
nicole: AHAHA. DEAR ____, I HOPE YOUR PENIS GETS CAUGHT IN MACHINERY. HAVE FUN SPAWNING DOUCHES THEN, BUD.
me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. A LOT OF LAUGHTER
nicole: AASKLDJFLSKDJFLSJG. WE'RE FUNNY WHEN WE'RE ANGRY
me: I KNOW. PEOPLE NEED TO READ THIS
nicole: I KNOW WHAT TWO PEOPLE I WANT TO READ THIS
me: RIGHT?
nicole: PARTICULARLY THE GODDAMNED NUTSACK PART. FEEL THE PAIN BOYS, FEEL THE PAIN
me: AHAHAHAHA. FEAR THE PAIN
nicole: AHAHAHA
me: PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH
nicole: STAB STAB STAB
me: AHAHAA
nicole: FUCK WITH MY HEART, I FUCK WITH YOUR HEAD, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE IN YOUR PANTS.

nicole: FUCKING DOUCHEBAG SIGNED OFFLINE WITHOUT EVEN SAYING GOODBYE
me: WHAT A DOUCHEBAG. THEY NEVER SAY GOODBYE. ASSHOLES
nicole: THEY NEVER SAY ANYTHING
me: BECAUSE THEY ARE STUPID BOYS
nicole: RIGHT. ALL THEY SAY IS 'BACK THE FUCK OFF BITCH. WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO CARE ABOUT ME. AND I SURE AS HELL CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR LIFE.'

nicole: OH AND ONE OTHER THING THAT WAS AS STUPID AS FUCK. "I'M HITTING MY SINGLE GUY STRIDE RIGHT NOW." OH YEAH, STRIDE. YOU'RE MISERABLE. YOU DRINK TOO MUCH. THINGS ARE GOING GREEEEAAAAAT.
me: YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO BE PROUD OF. WHAT A STRIDE. A DEPRESSED STRIDE OF SINGLENESS. YES. THANK THE LORD
nicole: AWESOME. WOULDN'T WANT TO INFRINGE ON YOUR FREEDOM TO SELF-DESTRUCT. HAVE FUN WITH THAT

nicole: I'M AFRAID IF I CALM DOWN, I'M GOING TO BE DEPRESSED. SO MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO TO BED IRATE.
me: THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING. WE'LL MAKE DO TOMORROW
nicole: NO WE'LL BE FABULOUS TOMORROW
me: AWESOME
nicole: SO DAMN FUNNY
me: SO DAMN AWESOME
nicole: THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE ALL THE AWESOME
me: TOOOO MUCH AWESOME
nicole: TO COMBAT THE HYBRIS
me: WE CAN SACRIFICE THEM
nicole: TO THE GOD APOLLO. CAN I STICK A SWORD UP HIS SCROTUM FIRST?
me: BOYS ARE THE CRUCIBLES OF CONFLICTS, AND THE GRAVEYARD OF MY HAPPINESS. AHAHAHAHA YES
nicole: AHAHAHAHAHA THAT'S PERFECT. FUCK 'EM ALL
me: FUCK. THEM.
nicole: MAYBE I CAN GET SOME HOMEWORK DONE NOW THAT I'M NOT LISTENING TO HIS PROBLEMS. SINCE HE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T WANT ME TO. I'D BE JEOPARDIZING HIS FREEDOM. ROLLS EYES
me: CONCENTRATE ON YOURSELF. LEAVE HIM HANGIN
nicole: I WILL. JUST YOU AND ME, SARAHGRAY. WE'RE ALL THAT MATTER.
me: YEAH. HUFFAH!
nicole: SUCCESS STREET HERE WE COME
me: CHOOO CHOOOO
nicole: AHAHAHA ALL ABOARD. UNLESS YOU HAVE A PENIS


hey, remember that time...

the title is appropriate on two levels in terms of this weekend. little fun fact.

I don't remember a lot of friday night. I drank a lot. I don't get drunk like that very often, mostly because I hate being unable to remember and throwing up is never a pleasant experience. but the night was really fun. the part I remember at least. one of the last things I remember is that we were all at our table and I was trying to tell them about my freedom in greece class. and I meant to ask, "do you like greece?" but instead I asked, "do you like freedom?" which I think is still appropriate on many levels. go me. I drunk texted the one person I didn't want to, so that was dumb. I woke up very dizzy saturday morning. stayed in bed most of the day. watched the OU vs. Tech game. that just made me even more angry. then I got a lovely "hey" text from someone that I deserve more than a "hey" from. in fact, you owe me the biggest apology of your life. hope my anger didn't scare you off too much. *rolls eyes* yeah. enough of that. I don't want to seem hateful. because I'm not. just a whole slew of other emotions... moving on. after saturday got rollin', I went over to roommate's sister's apartment and we all had dinner. then I came home and justin, alyssa, and I played N64. I really missed justin. I didn't realize how much I missed him until he was back. after he left, alyssa and I got out our canvases, paints, and brushes we had bought friday. we painted and watched just friends and elf. it was lovely. I painted three trees, with a dark blue sky and a rust red earth. with two gray paths coming together in the middle, leading into the trees. it's very beautiful and deep, right? ahahahaha. SARCASM! today, I woke up to the smell of breakfast. I had dinner with the sooner '09 editors. that was nice. now I'm typing this to avoid finishing my cover letter. among other things.

I have a lot on my mind. and I wish you hadn't of interrupted everything like that. I was doing okay, I was forgetting. I was moving forward. I was doing okay. and then you come in, opening the door back up again. but just slightly. and I immediately start unleashing everything I'm bottling up. and then you just slam it back in my face. I was doing okay. and now I just can't concentrate again. thanks a lot. thanks a whole fucking lot.

I need to go now. I got shit to do!


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

withered.

you are thin and wiry.
the wind chipped away at your bones.
you stand translucent in the sunlight.
your shadow never shows.
your face is haunted and it's gray.
your skin a dull color.
when you stare at smiles, longingly,
your eyes seem hollow, no soul.
the rain has washed your happiness.
rainbow lights reflected in the gutter.
you just stare hopelessly.
like doing nothing makes it better.
over the thunder sent your way,
I cannot hear you cry.
but when you wail loud enough,
it reaches over to my window, at night.
to the window of my bedroom,
in a bed that I sleep in alone.
a sleep that you always intrude on.
your ghostly figure never leaving me alone.
and I shiver in the chill air.
you're shaking from your sobs.
connected in our sadness,
I guess we're never alone.
but I want out.
I want away from you.
your fading frame degrades.
and you pull me into darkness,
but I twist away, escape.
screaming out, I want out.
I want away from you.
and I leave you crying, there,
it's the best that I could do.



Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I don't mind the weather. I've got scarves and caps and sweaters.

 you remind me of death cab.
probably because we both love them.
and all I ever wanted was for someone to lay with me.
and listen to music with me.

have you died? are you still alive?
it feels like you've disappeared...



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