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| someone from Georgia has found my xanga and really likes to read it. hello, Georgia. welcome to my "blog." to everyone else, I really need to update. SO MANY THINGS. but I have TOO MANY THINGS to do. so I'll update maybe tomorrow when I get home to FLOWER MOUND. I finished my novel today.
danceee paaarrrttyyyyy.
"Sarahgray, I don't know what you're going to do with your life, but I'll bet my last dollar that you're successful at it. You've got a lot of drive in you. The trick is going to be to not kill yourself." -my writing professor.
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| I need to update. so many things!
first off. I'm really dumb and just asking for it. nicole says, "you're a gluten for punishment." this is true. I never really learn from my lessons. on the plus side, it's fun making these mistakes. I just deal with the consequences afterwards. mmhmm. so, let's see. update, update, update. WELL. tuesday was very successful until about noon. and then someone had to go and interrupt my life as per usual. I don't remember the rest of the day. wednesday? OH. wednesday was pizza day with the novel class. I love them all so much. (maybe not all, there are a few that I don't like.) and I am really going to miss them when we all split up for capstone. I've been bookin' on my novel this week. I need to have to done by this coming wednesday, and I have two finals. one of which I'm not worried about and the other is my ad test. twelve chapters of hell. ugh. I just want to go home. really badly.
a few things that could just sum up this entire entry:
why does it seem that you always meet the coolest and cutest guys on the last day of class? I'm having drinks with a guy from my writing class tomorrow evening. this makes me smile. oh, and because about twelve of us ambushed the dean's office of the journalism college a couple weeks ago about our ad class, our entire class got 9 points added to their first test, 7 points to the second test, and 5 points to the last test; we got all our old tests back to study with, and we got a study guide. bam! sucka! we just made a difference. what else? that's probably it. there are other things to share. but I don't want to. it all goes back to me being dumb.
in other news. I feel genuinely happy.
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| you make me SO angry. so incredibly frustrating. I just want to kick you. and punch you. and hit you so hard. I want to tear you to shreds. I want to cut you up and down. I want to scream at you. I want to yell at you. I want to tear you down. with words. with hands. I don't care. you.make.me.angry. GET A LIFE. get a new attitude. find a new perspective. stop depressing yourself. stop interrupting my life when you see fit trying to tell me you're changing. trying to show that you aren't selfish anymore. bull-to-the-fucking-shit. you're just as selfish as ever. no communication for weeks and then talking to me out of the blue when I'm having a great day. when things are actually going well. thanks for taking my happiness out of your priority list and fulling it with nothing but yourself. shame on you. shame on you for distracting me. shame on you for making me feel this way. shame on you for putting me in this situation that has continually screwed me up and over. THANKS. thanks a fucking lot. talk to me when you've grown the fuck up and learned how to be a decent human being and friend to someone who's done more for you than anyone else ever will.
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| it's just getting to that point where I wonder if I really am mean. I keep talking. and I keep blurting very harsh statements out. but I won't shut myself up. because I guess I still think it's just being honest. and I guess that makes the first statement and the one I just made contradictory? perhaps I'm just aware of the how the words sound when I look at everyone's faces around me. some of them are surprised or shocked. others are laughing, maybe shaking their heads...they're the ones who aren't quite sure if I'm right, but they know what I just said was funny, though mean-spirited. and then there are those that laugh and agree. I like those people. those people are my friends. jelani just calls me "jagged." I'd prefer to call it awesome.
my weekend was okay. friday was superb, saturday was not. therefore averaging the weekend to an okay. on friday, the yearbook designers, kerry, and nicole came over to my apartment. we did our usual: drink, apples to apples, pictionary man, and telephone pictionary. the entire night was hilarious. and I love all of them for making me laugh, being ridiculous, and just being all around great people. on saturday, I had to get up earlier than I wanted to (aka, at 10:45 a.m. ahahaha.) because nicole, tiffany, and I had to help kerry out with a short film he was doing with his group for a class. that was really fun. they wanted to do a scooby doo-esque chase scene. very entertaining. then I spent the next five hours in the office with kelsey to finish our mass comm law projects. UGH. I got so angry. that project was just so ridiculously pointless, time consuming, and just...stupid. but I finished, and turned it in today. so hoorah. the rest of the day wasn't interesting. kelsey and I went out to eat, I watched the game with roommate, her sister, and her roommate. texas won and I'm okay with that. (sorry OU people...lol.) I skipped out on a holiday party because I was in all sorts of an angry, bitter, impatient, snarky bad mood. I watched the holiday, cried, and went to bed. I felt better about life. ha. yesterday, sunday, I should have spent writing my novel. just like I should be doing right now. obviously...I'm not. I don't think I've enjoyed any of that. I enjoyed maybe the first 8,000 words. after that, I hated it. not sure why that happened so early, but whatever. my patience is slim, at best. and today...was cold.
I'm trying to give you a real update before I slap this xanga with more depressing, cliche, and all-together pointless poems or some shit. I promise I'm not like this all the time.
oh, and I'm feeling directionless, yes,
but that's to be expected, and I know that best.
and in creeps the morning, and another day's lost.
you've just written, wondering, and I reply fast.
all you need to save me, all you need to save me.
call, and I'll be curled on the floor, hiding out from it all.
and I won't take any other call.
I feel like a fool, so I'm going to stop troubling you.
buried in my yard, a letter to send to you.
and if I forget, or God forbid die too soon,
hope that you'll hear me, know that I wrote to you.
all you need to say to me, all you need to say to me.
is call, and I'll be curled on the floor, hiding out from it all.
and I won't take any other call.
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| I use to be the greatest,
but I see how low I've dropped.
when I walk up to you at the playground,
when you're sitting in the dark.
you struggle to explain your story.
I'm struggling to remain calm.
everything begins softly,
and we've lost sight of home.
I just keep asking questions.
and you slowly answer back.
inaudible cries leave me speechless,
at times there's just the wind at our backs.
I fell for your explanations,
and I fell for your tears.
I wanted to ask if you'd fallen for me,
but I knew you had no such ability.
we swayed back and forth on the swing set,
just like the way we've intertwined our lives.
only now we're separated by a foot or two,
and I'm digging my feet into the ground.
I find it hard to look at you,
but you're all that I can see.
the structure of your jawline,
as you murmur more apologies.
my tears begin to form on my eyelids,
I start to hear yours fall.
and I stand up to be near you,
we can't do this on our own.
for awhile now, I stand still.
and hold you close to me.
you pull me tighter, closer.
but I won't leave, it's never me.
I stand as your pillar of strength
when I needed you the most.
just as I begin to lose my bearings,
you stand up to pull me close.
and now I can't take it,
and I cry for our situation, our lives.
the times that we're together,
but mostly the times that we're apart.
and even when you kiss me,
it doesn't chase the sadness away.
I just forget about it for awhile,
as I'm temporarily complete.
forever, we're holding each other tighter.
as if we'll never be close enough.
and your eyes, they look so hopeless,
but you say we'll work it out.
I nod my head in silence,
your lips a period to your phrase.
utter words so as to fill the blank,
made me believe in everything you don't mean.
when the moon becomes brighter,
and the wind becomes so harsh,
you take my hand to walk to our cars.
and you pretend like letting me go is hard.
placing palm against cheek,
you hold me still for one more kiss.
whispering, "I promise."
but I should have known better than this.
that night on the playground,
where the night and the swings brought us close,
was the last time for me to see you.
at the time, I had such hope.
now, I'm hopeless in a room of silence.
I feel like you've disappeared.
and I scramble to find any traces of you,
it's as if you were never here.
when I said it was up to you, my dear,
to decide where I was to stand in your life.
I didn't realize I had no place at all.
but when it comes to us, I'm never right.
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